Following my instincts

This past January, I was faced with a difficult decision of whether to make a quick and very inconvenient trip from Kansas City to Twin Falls, Idaho to celebrate my great-grandmother's 100th birthday. I struggled for months preceeding the event and watched airfares jump around from high to higher, as I tried to figure out whether such a trip was feasible economically and logistically. I also considered the impact it would have on my husband and 3-year-old twins.

No doubt, I wanted to go. I hadn't seen my grandma since 2007 when my parents, husband and I had flown in and surprised her on her 95th birthday.

(2007) Surprising grandma for her 95th birthday.


My father has always been steadfastly devoted to the care and concern of Grandma, with he and my mom doing what they could to make her life easier from afar and especially during visits. They made futile attempts to persuade her to move to Missouri with them so they could spoil her. She felt she was needed in Jerome...the town where she had spent the majority of her life. Each fall my parents would journey west often to spend time with my dad's dad first and then always with Grandma. Often I would tag along or fly in to the little terminal in Twin Falls to meet them. Each visit she would cook and clean in preparation of our arrival, almost always making daddy's favorites; cole slaw, potato salad, banana nut bread and cake.

I grew up understanding that my Grandma Burn's cooking was where the bar of excellence was set, and rarely in my attempts to make her "fabulous fudge" or homemade cinnamon rolls, did I or my own mother reach it, at least not according to my dad's standard. Rarely has anything turned out as good as Grandma's, But I continued trying anyway because I knew that her cooking was truly something emotionally comforting to him and a connection to fond childhood memories he had shared with her.

Grandma lived independently until she had a bad fall about four years ago. It was during her recovery that she moved to an assisted living center...and I emphasize the word, assisted. My visits ceased around the same timeframe when I became pregnant with the twins. I don't remember the last phone conversation I had with her, because her hearing began to fail, and it also became nearly impossible to have talks by phone.

As her 100th birthday approached, I remained undecided on whether to go. I tried convincing my mom to go with me. She declined with the intention to celebrate later in the year, when she and my dad would go on their annual trip. I weighed my options, trying to decide whether to fly into Boise and stay with relatives or spend the extra money to fly directly into town where she lived. Every option seemed to involve spending a lot of money and very little time actually being with Grandma. Weather was also a factor. Winters in the northwest are unpredictable. Even upon deciding to go, a winter blast could mean impassable roads or stranded at an airport. Could I risk that? I began to inquire whether anyone planning to attend could connect us through Skype so that we could attend virtually. Another option that was shot down.

About ten days out I decided it was not feasible to go to the celebration and that the money I would be spending could better be used on a family trip to see her later in the fall with my parents as well as my husband and kids. Afterall, I really wanted Ayden and Amelia to meet their great-great grandma. The cost of airline tickets made it impractical for all four of us to fly.

As I tried to reconcile my feelings with my decision not to go, It was not sitting well. Then I saw a third-party discussion on Facebook between family members questioning whether I would be going. I interjected letting them know I would not...and as i did, it not only felt wrong, it deeply saddened me. I began to feel like I was missing my chance to be with her when I needed to go.

Suddenly a new idea surfaced, and acting upon what I considered to be my last option, I asked Harold if we could drive as a family to be there. Although his response was less than enthusiastic, his supportive reply of, "if it is that important to you" gave me the green light I had been seeking. Suddenly I felt my heart lighten a bit. My parents thought we were crazy. I went into high gear preparing for the road trip and packing for the twins driving entertainment; we were attempting a straight-through 22-hour drive. It WAS a bit crazy, but it felt right.

After making sure the weather forecast was favorable for winter travel through mountains, we left at midnite Friday. About 17 hours into our drive we hit our first snow storm. So much for forecasts. Visibility was minimal and the sun was setting. As we slowly progressed through Utah, the weather worsened. Finally, less than 10 miles away from the Idaho border and about an hour away from our hotel, where my grandpa was meeting us, our straight-through drive came to a halt. The Interstate was closed due to drifting snow from the mountaintops and hazardous road conditions. Unbelievable! Exhausted but determined to get there we accepted the setback and backtracked to a town with a decent hotel.



The next morning we forged on. By early afternoon, although we were sleep deprived and famished, we reached Grandma. I can not say she knew who I was. It seemed as though she was reaching into her memory trying to piece together who we could be. It didn't matter to me.



Amelia with her Great-great grandma Burns

40 yrs. earlier - 4 generations, my grandpa, dad & great grandma



I introduced Grandma to her great-great grandchildren, and Amelia took to her strongly and immediately. I was surprised when Amelia asked, "may I sit on your lap.". Frail as she had become, Grandma obliged and with great reservation I lifted Amelia to the same lap that had held me so many years ago. I sensed that Grandma was enjoying herself.

 The two hours allocated for her birthday celebration whirled pass. As much as I would have loved to whisk Grandma away and have her all to myself, I toured the room, visiting with relatives whom I hadn't seen or spoken to in decades. In some instances I met cousins for the first time. We also set up a skype session on my tablet and connected with my parents back home. The two hours allocated for the gathering wasn't nearly enough time. I will forever be grateful to my kind, patient huband who stood on the sidelines, snapping pictures, keeping control of the kids and supporting me as I tried to make the most of being there.

I had hoped that I would be able to return to Grandma's facility the next day to visit some more with her on her actual birthday, but the forecast indicated that another major storm was tracking towards us. While Harold and the kids rested at the hotel that night, I returned with my grandpa, a cousin and her husband, hoping for a more personal time with her. Grandma was so tired from her party she slept during our visit. I talked to her as she slept and I held her hand...and in a way, I knew it was probably going to be my last time to be with her. It wasn't something I would have ever said outloud, but I suspected that she had met her goal. Many, many times in her last decade of life we would talk and even joke about how she intended to live to be 100. We never talked about 101 or beyond.

Upon returning home I posted a request on the Facebook page of grandma's retirement home, requesting that they provide Skype as a service so long-distance families could stay connected to their loved ones. To my surprise, not only did they respond favorably to my request but within a few weeks my parents were able to set up a Skype visit with Grandma. Little did we know this would be our last interaction with her.

Last Thursday I received an email from my aunt letting me know that hospice had been called in. My heart told me that Grandma would be gone before the weekend was over. She passed the next evening. Once again I was having to decide whether to make the trip to honor her and support my family. Again I struggled with the scenarios of how to make it happen. My parents booked their tickets before knowing details and then we learned that the funeral was scheduled for the morning of my birthday. Ugh. Another factor: my little boy began demonstrating symptoms of an ear infection. It was as if I "knew" before I decided, that this was not my time to go.

As sad as I am not to go, I don't have regret, instead, I feel joy in the fact that I followed my instincts back in January and was able to celebrate with her. I am content knowing that Ayden and Amelia had the opportunity to meet their great--great grandmother and that thanks to my wonderful husband, there are beautiful pictures of us with her as well as with their great-grandfather. And finally, I am proud that I helped initiate Skype between her and my parents. Not only did my parents get to see her recently but in a way, we were the test family for more families to have a wonderful way of connecting with loved ones.

When Thursday rolls around, and I turn another year older, instead of celebrating my birthday, my thoughts will be with Grandma as well as my family who are at the funeral. We will each be celebrating the memory of an amazing lady who experienced 100 years of living, loving and doing for others....it just so happens that I will be celebrating her from afar this time. I love you Grandma....and always will.